Mastering the Wine Algorithm
Who is your Wine Friend?
The most difficult decision everyone makes each week is deciding what bottle of wine you want to buy to go with Friday's dinner or Saturday’s barbie or Sunday’s lunch.
With every other decision you make during the course of the week, you are armed with a certain amount of knowledge, and likely a certain amount of confidence.
But walk into a wine store or a supermarket wine precinct and: where do you begin? How can you decide? Why do you just want to cry? Where is your wine friend when you need them the most? Your confidence just drained out of your feet, and your knowledge is negligible bordering on non-existent.
We know how you feel, and know this: the answer isn’t to pick up a bottle of Kylie, or a Graham Norton sauvignon blanc.
The answer lies in trying to get your head around the wine algorithm. Two years ago, in an early Substack, we attempted something similar when it comes to sifting information about making a restaurant booking. Wine, however, is in another league of difficulty altogether.
So, let’s start with a crumb of comfort: Almost nobody knows anything about wine. The only people who know wine are wine makers, wine professionals, and wine writers.
To get an idea of the numbers we are talking about, consider this: the ultimate qualification in the wine world is to be accorded a Master of Wine.
Know how many MWs there are in the entire world? 416.
Know how many MWs there are in Ireland? 8.
A shark has more teeth in its mouth than there are MWs on the entire planet Earth.
The problem with knowing wine is the archetypal problem of modern living: too much info. If Eric Asimov, wine writer for The New York Times, writes that “Spain is the most dynamic wine-producing country in the world” does that mean you just head to the shelves packed with Spanish bottles?
But what do you do if the shop or supermarket doesn’t have that bottle of Veronica Ortega Bierzo Ciobrana that Eric recommends? (And they won’t: Veronica only produces 3,000 or so cases each year in Bierzo.)
This is the wine problem: a little bit of info only leads you up a blind alley, and leaves you feeling more confused than enlightened. And so you reach for that bottle of…
No, don’t. Not just yet. Help is at hand, and here it is…
Your Wine Seller Friend
People who sell wine do so because they love wine. And they love helping people find interesting wines which they will love.
So, to avoid anguish, befriend a wine merchant and make them your wine friend, the one who makes the good calls when you want an interesting bottle. Okay, so you can’t bring them to a restaurant to get you over that gulp moment when the waiter asks “Who would like to see the wine list?” but for every other time when you need advice, they will be there.
Wine merchants weren’t always funky dudes. They used to be fusty dudes who positively dripped disdain for the hoi polloi, but those guys have gone the way of the dodo, so don’t be afraid to put yourself in the hands of a wine bro who is only dying to help you, and to convert you into a regular customer.
Obviously, you don’t find these guys in supermarkets.
Your Wine Writer Friend
Wine writers in Ireland are very good at their job, thanks to an unusual paradox: wine writing is better in countries where wine is drunk, but not produced. If you weren’t reared with wine at the table, your hunger to know all about it seems to increase exponentially.
How can this work to your advantage? Well, if you are a supermarket shopper, you will have noticed that the chains all have autumn wine sales. All the wine writers write about the bottles they think are the best choice amongst the discounts. If you did some weekend reading, then recent posts by our wine scribblers would have led you to Dunnes Stores to pick up a fascinating orange wine called l’Esparrou V. O. (Vin Orange) made by the Bonfils family. You would have gotten this beauty for €10.80, a real steal, and when you tasted it you would have saluted our wine scribes for the advice.
You could have done the same thing in Lidl with a red wine from the Rhone Valley called Séguret, made by the Les Aumoniers firm. Decanter magazine celebrated its “brooding and meaty” character, and so did our own wine writers who selected it as a bargain at €10.99. And if you needed help to navigate the wine sale at O’Brien’s Wines, then the almost-unanimous chorus that steered you to the bargain that is Domaine Begud Chardonnay will have made that Saturday dinner rather special.
So, open the wine columns at the weekend and make a note of where the value and quality are to be found. Wine writers are your friend.
Your Wine Educator Friend
People who love wine love educating others about wine, all the better to open the doors to the magic kingdom of wine appreciation. There are many opportunities to get to grips with the maddening, uber-complex world of the grape, via classes that explain the complexities, and also allow you to taste a rake of good wines from all around the globe.
You can do the hard work and sign up for a WSET (Wine Spirit Education Trust) course, and there are several organisations offering the various levels of qualification in Dublin.
But there are other ways to get to grips with the grape: Cork’s brilliant wine bar L’Atitude 51, for example, runs a 4-week Wine Fundamentals course, which is also pretty terrific value at less than €200 for the four classes. Many of the best places to drink wine are also places where you can have fun discovering and understanding wine, so consider a Wine Weekend at Kelly’s Hotel in Rosslare, or Knockranny House Hotel in Mayo, or Ballymaloe House in East Cork.
Your Wine Waiter Friend
Unless you are in the fortunate position to be having dinner with a wine seller, a wine writer and a wine educator, there will always be an anxious moment in the restaurant when the waiter asks: who would like to see the wine list?
The waiter might as well ask: who would like to decipher the hieroglyphs, or resolve the Diophantine equation?
Wine lists are cartographical terror trails, laden with traps, beset with vinous quicksand, and the most interesting ones – for wine buffs – are also the hardest to navigate. That’s because they are often the personal fiefdom of the owner or sommelier, so deciphering them requires you to ask a series of personal questions about the boss’s taste and enthusiasm. If the list has a brace of bottles from Greece, then take a guess where they had their holiday! Polish orange wines? Who’s been to Krakow, eh!
What’s the solution? You have to ‘fess up, here, and tell the waiter that you need some help, and what would they recommend to go with your Andarl Farm pork chop? Helping you is their job, and doing it sympathetically and discreetly should be their ambition. In fact, we have a theory that a good wine waiter should always give you a taste of something they are enthusiastic about, even before you look at the list. If they do, chances are you will go for it, and everybody wins.
Where everyone loses is when you all order cocktails throughout. Mega bill, mega hangover, mega mess. Cocktails are for before, and after.
Brigid is your Wine Friend
Brigid O’Hora has been deconstructing the world of wine for many years, both as a professional sommelier and, latterly, as a wine educator and presenter. Her debut book, The Home Sommelier is a terrific achievement that does something that is simple, yet foundational: she approaches the thickets of the wine world and hacks a way through, with language and instruction that everyone can understand. She is your wine friend par excellence: no bull, just what you need to know.
Her starting point is a fundamental recalibration: what should you be thinking about before you choose that bottle. Brigid lays out the questions that wine buffs never ask: what are you in the mood for? What will you be eating? How much have you to spend? Where will you actually be drinking the stuff, and who will you be drinking it with?
The Home Sommelier then answers those questions, cogently, smartly, and with plenty of laughs along the way, many of which poke fun at her own career amongst the good bottles. Brigid also answers the big questions which have taxed the great thinkers since time immemorial, to wit: what should you drink with a spice bag? And what pairs best with an Irish fry-up? (Answers on page 143.)
And what should you drink as you read The Home Sommelier? Brigid reckons the Domain Begude – photographed above – is A Steal, so that will be just the job.
Extract:
“But in a life that too often feels stripped of magic — whether because of our political hostility, the radical inequality in our society or the instantaneity required of everything — wine is a passport to transcendence. If water is life-giving, wine is psychedelic.”
Opinion Guest Essay by Boris Fishman, New York Times
